Why Perfectionists Don’t Like Self-Compassion

I’ve come around, but only in the last few years.

Before that, when I encountered advice to “practice self-compassion,” I’d cringe. I probably even did an internal eye-roll.

Well, friends, things have changed, and I’m now a BIG advocate for self-compassion. That’s because I’ve experienced its positive impact on my own life—and on those around me.

But this post isn’t about why self-compassion is awesome. This post is about why perfectionists don’t like self-compassion 🙃.

Reasons Perfectionists Don’t Like Self-Compassion

1. It means I don’t have standards and I’m lowering the bar

As a perfectionist, you often tie your self-worth to your achievements—especially in your work. So, self-compassion can feel like a threat to your identity. The idea of “realistic expectations” might seem like lowering your standards or settling for mediocrity.

Perfectionists tend to hold themselves to high, often unrealistic standards that they think define them. Whether you’re navigating a big project, leading a team, or building a business, accepting mistakes can feel like a betrayal of your core values or a risk to how others perceive you. But self-compassion doesn’t mean you’re lowering the bar—it means creating space to learn, grow–in a sustainable manner.

2. It will make me complacent

As a perfectionist, you’ve probably got a pretty tough inner critic. It’s like having a demanding taskmaster or hyper-controlling boss living in your head, constantly evaluating your performance. You might think you need this harsh inner voice to stay on top of your goals and avoid falling behind.

You fear that if you let your guard down and start being kind to yourself, you’ll become lazy or unproductive. Fast forward in your mind: you’re achieving nothing at work, projects are piling up, and you’re feeling lost and insignificant.

The reality is that self-compassion doesn’t make you less productive. Research shows that individuals who practise self-compassion are more resilient, more focused, and better able to recover from setbacks (Jennings et al, 2023).

3. It’s boring and won’t achieve anything

For perfectionists, self-compassion can seem like…well, a bit of a snooze. It’s not flashy, ambitious, or outcome-driven. Instead of feeling like you’re tackling challenges or solving problems, self-compassion can feel passive. Where’s the drama? Where’s the struggle?

Perfectionists often thrive on striving—it gives life (and work) colour and meaning. Self-compassion, by comparison, can feel like sitting on the sidelines, quietly “just being.”

But here’s the thing: self-compassion isn’t about giving up. It’s about showing up for yourself in a sustainable way. In your career, this means being able to recover quickly after a tough meeting, a missed deadline, or an unexpected setback. It’s a foundation that helps you move forward without burnout—so you can keep doing the work that matters most to you.

4. It’s weak

Many perfectionists equate self-compassion with weakness. Isn’t it just an excuse to be soft, to let yourself off the hook? This perspective comes from years—maybe decades—of equating toughness and resilience with being hard on yourself.

In a professional context, you might fear that showing yourself kindness will lead to underperformance or a lack of ambition. But the reality? Self-compassion is strength. It allows you to acknowledge a mistake in a big project, learn from it, and move forward instead of spiralling into self-doubt. It’s not weakness—it’s the courage to confront challenges with clarity and to grow, even in high-pressure situations.

References:

Jennings, R. E., Lanaj, K., & Kim, Y. J. (2023). Self‐compassion at work: A self‐regulation perspective on its beneficial effects for work performance and wellbeing. Personnel psychology, 76(1), 279-309.

Over to You

1. How can being kind to yourself influence the way you mentor others or collaborate with colleagues?
2. What’s one way self-compassion could help you handle the demands of your role this week?